Just a few months ago the words "beautiful surrender" popped in my mind while sitting on my couch on a peaceful Thursday afternoon - and by peaceful I actually mean: two tiny humans running and crawling around my living room while singing (or yelling, I can never tell the difference) at the top of their lungs while requiring any and all of my attention - at all times.
I nanny my two Godchildren as a full time job, it has honestly been the challenge I expected it to be, but I was probably not quite ready to take on the responsibility and dedication it takes to care for two kiddos under two. Lately, I've been considering myself as a part-time mom, and the name, due to my exhaustion, seems to fit. Side note: to all my wonderful mommas out there: you are absolutely beautiful and I am praying for you big time.
Before taking on the nanny job, I started this little business of mine and for two years it was going strong, as I added this beautiful new job I realized how much I needed to surrender of my own life in order to help raise these babies to their fullest potential. For many months I struggled with the fact that I was losing clients, losing time, and "losing" my creativity. I kept focusing on how much I was "losing" while being sentenced to my couch from 9-5, Mon-Fri.
By the time the kiddos were picked up, I would try to sit at my desk to be "creatively productive", but as the days went by the energy and hope faded away. I found myself feeling depressed, unmotivated, and as if my life's purpose was lost. I was right there, on the edge of quitting, when I found myself sitting on my couch on a crazy Thursday afternoon, it was then when I realized that I had been doing this all wrong.
BEAUTIFUL surrender. Surrendering to the desires of oneself for the needs of others is not always easy, but it is always beautiful. Instead of taking advantage, being actively present and loving the decision that I made (I emphasize on the fact that I made the decision), I was actively leading myself into the big blackhole of misery.
Oh, how wonderfully dangerous our minds are! They have the power to control the direction of our lives, through every decision we make, conscious or not, it leads us to where we are now. To imagine, the reason for all our pain and suffering isn't what happens to us in this life, but what we make of it! The actions we take, the emotions we let stay too long, the resentment we let build up, the way we speak to ourselves and others... it's all on us. But, thanks to our good friend Jesus, who died on the cross for us so that we may have life and live it abundantly, we have the power to change our perspective! (Jn 10:10)
It didn't take me quitting my jobs, to find my life's purpose. Still in the midst of losing customers and needy babies, I chose to find the beauty; the beauty in surrendering this time in my life and my business over to being present to my wonderful Godchildren. The beauty I've found in surrendering my sufferings as I turn them into opportunities of growth. The beauty in taking this time to realize that I am much more than just my talents and achievements.
Today, I am facing this challenge between jobs and purpose, but how much more will I face in the future? What better way to prepare myself for the mystery of life than by surrendering to God the beauty that might become of it.