©2017 aliceinletterland

the one where i stabbed myself.

Back in August, days after my birthday, I became aware of how clumsy I really am - especially when I am overwhelmed, stressed, and rushed.

I was getting ready to leave for a young adult retreat, when I realized how pressed on work I was. If you read my blog about #beautifulsurrender, I think reading this will give you a better idea about where that came from. It was 6pm on Friday, August 17, 2018, when I was seriously stressed out. I had a full weeks worth of work, and I had just started to take care of the kids. Balancing both jobs that first month was honestly one of the hardest challenges I've had thus far.

I had accepted a job from someone I knew, that I assume only had good intensions for themselves, but I was pressured into accepting and "making things right", because this person was somehow connected to someone I really love. To learn that lesson took some literal blood out of me.

I was trying to get everything done to leave for my retreat, my mom and sisters stepped out of the house to buy me some deodorant (because I thought I had ran out, but turns out I had enough for another week). I was on the floor getting ready to cut a large poster board, when my mom called so that I could specify which brand of deodorant I needed. Rushed, I got up took a picture, sent it, sat on the floor to begin cutting. As I sat back down I wasn't comfortable, so I began to adjust my body while holding XL scissors in my hand.

Somehow, I moved just right so that one blade on the XL scissors could make a perfect incision, more like a stab, right above my right knee, from the right side all the way to the left, almost making out on the other end. I yelled like crazy. Thankfully my dad was home, and took me to the hospital where I was told I didn't damage any nerve, tear any ligaments, and just needed a few stitches.

One of my favorite quotes is "slow down, because I'm in a hurry". Nothing good comes out of rushing, and there is no guarantee that you will get there any faster. Whenever I'm feeling rushed and overwhelmed I take a step back, breathe, and surrender it all to Jesus.


Below is a reflection I wrote later on that week that I think is worth sharing:

Through this accident God has shown me, that even in the moments He cannot control or prevent, He is still there protecting me. Even in the moments I am not necessarily ‘thinking’ of Him, He never stops thinking of me — He is loving me in every second, & every moment of every day.

I’m usually so stressed, worried, & rushed with little everyday things. I have felt so blessed to be in ‘bed rest’ this week, because it has taught me to be patient, understanding, & most of all grateful for all of the little things I would normally miss.

I’m especially thankful for my family (especially my mom&sisters) for ALL they have done— from bathing me, to helping me use the restroom, helping me change & all things in between.

This whole week I’ve felt nothing but love, peace, & the strength to not complain, & instead enjoyed the ‘special treatment’ I’ve been getting. That was until yesterday, where I started to feel tired & useless, knowing I would have to be like this for a while.

This is the page my bible opened to yesterday: “Do not fear, beloved.” I was supposed to leave for retreat last Friday and because of my accident couldn’t make it. Instead God was calling me to my own personal retreat here in my own home. One where I am literally forced to strip down my pride & let myself be helped. A retreat from work, from stress, & a challenge to let go of worry. God is calling me to learn to let go of FEAR on a regular basis— He is calling me to live in the moment & marinate in the beautiful name He has given me: BELOVED.

(Fun fact: I received my #BeLOVED bundle from #mysaintmyhero last Tuesday (on my birthday). It’s funny how everything ties in!) bible from #blessedisshe